7 Common Sex Deeds That Need a Warning Label

If you're like us- you're perving out over the recently released photos of Miles Teller's hot bod, sculpted for his upcoming role in Top Gun: Maverick. Teller plays Goose's son in the highly anticipated sequel and from what we've seen so far-- he's gonna look damn fine doin' it. The movie won't be out until June of 2020 but taking a cue from Teller, we decided to prepare by revisiting the original. It totally holds up and serves as a perfect reminder that some things are so sexy- they are down right dangerous.

TOP GUN is a perfect movie. Probably because it’s an equal opportunity panty-melter. Regardless of who you are, your age or where you’re at on the spectrum, the motorcycles, leather jackets, aviators, the homoerotic game of volleyball and tongue touching are so damn sexy.  But the hottest thing about Top Gun is that it takes you right into the Danger Zone.

Danger is a potent aphrodisiac. It triggers an endorphin rush similar to that of sexual arousal. Which can lead to either incredible orgasms or poor choices that may result in public indecency, broken dicks, or small electrical fires. Even the most common sex deeds can take you to the brink of disaster and should come with a warning label. Lucky for you, Doc Johnson made some.

Now let's take it right into the danger zone...

DANGER #1: AN ORGY

Seems simple enough. You’ve got the snacks, condoms, and nice clean orifices... what could possibly go wrong?

Warning: Orgies may result in pulled muscles, unwanted germs from strangers, and not enough personal attention for proper orgasm release. 

Solution: Because there are so many moving parts (literally and figuratively), orgies can be risky. The best way to ensure a safe ménage en masse is to practice open and honest communication. Ask questions and remember- there’s no TMI in orgy.

DANGER #2: INTERCOURSE

Sex can be dangerous. There are the obvious risks...pregnancy, STIs, catching feelings, etc. but there are other safety hazards. Like dick-breaking and cervical bruising. Here are a few tips to keep you safe in the future.

Warning: Common positions such as missionary, reverse cowgirl, and doggy style may be complicated by overzealous thrusting and penis gymnastics, which may cause pain or discomfort.

Know Your Size and Shape: Notice if you hang a little to the left or your darling cervix is narrow and tilted. Play around with angles to learn what feels like a perfect fit and what feels absolutely terrible.

Don’t Fight Nature: If you sense a stopping point inside her throat or vagina, don’t try to hit it as hard as possible with your junk unless she asks you to. As for penises, respect the physical limitations. You wouldn’t try to bend you elbow in reverse, so don’t expect his dick to.

Be Loud AF: If it hurts, or feels uncomfortable, yell “Ouch!” Don’t rely on non-verbal cues to get the message across. Unless your partner is a psychopath, they will be glad you spoke up about your physical safety. 

DANGER #3: ANAL

There's no "quick and easy" when it comes to anal. It's serious business. Read the warning labels and always handle with care. 

Warning: Anal sex hazards most often experienced by first timers and may lead to microscopic fissures (aka anal tearing), un-met orgasmic potential and general awkwardness.

Solution: The only way to ensure your and your partner’s safety is to do your research and go slowly. Because the anus is not self-lubricating, it is imperative to use lubricant. To avoid painful fissures, stay away from numbing agents that can disrupt the body’s innate ability to sense when something is wrong, i.e. too much, too soon. Be sure you and your partner have open communication and shared desire before trying any backdoor play.

DANGER #4: USING A C-RING

C-Rings are fantastic but they are rarely discussed in detail. Improper use can be a real boner killer. 

Warning: Problems that arise while using C-Rings are typically the result of leaving the ring on for too long, being under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and overly ambitious removal.

Solution: To protect your package, start by using a high quality, silicone ring like the Optimale C-Ring by Doc Johnson. It feels like an angel hugging the base of your shaft. Use a water based lube to help slide the ring around a semi-erect penis and shaft. To safely remove the ring, the penis will need to be flaccid. Do not wear for longer than 30 minutes and never sleep in it. 

DANGER #5: SHOWER SEX

Contrary to what you see in the movies, shower sex can be more “death wish” than “wet dream.” 

Warning: The combination of the water, hard porcelain or tile surfaces and the fallibility of the human body may lead to loss of balance that can resulting in severe bodily harm. 

Solution: Instead of doing it in the shower, try this- let your partner catch you masturbating in the shower. Then exit the shower and have sex on any secure, dry surface.

DANGER #6: PERIOD SEX

In the post-shame, sex positive world of 2018, more and more people are curious about trying period sex but aren’t sure if it’s safe.

Warning: Period sex can get a bit messy, but is otherwise known to reduce pain and discomfort associated with menstrual cramps, as well as elevate the mood of the mensturator. Can result in greater intimacy. mind-blowing orgasms, and subsequent euphoria stemming from said climax.

Solution: Let go of any internalized taboos, lay a towel down and get it on. Research suggests the positive physiological effects of period sex far outweigh any possible negatives. Simple things to keep in mind are removing any tampons, menstrual cups, sponges or yoni eggs before making love during menses. Again, lubricant is beneficial as hormonally that is a “dry week.” Using a long lasting, water based lube with a texture similar to natural fluids is highly recommended. Try Sasha Grey’s Love Spit.

Final Warning: Adding safe sex protocols to your regular forms of birth control and STI prevention may make you feel like an invincible sex god/goddess or irresistible fighter-pilot type of Tom Cruise American hero/heroine. Go with that. And hey Maverick- be safe out there!